Couples Therapy to Restore Intimacy In Your Relationship
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Introduction
When I’m working with couples having difficulty expressing themselves sexually with each other, I bring up intimacy. “How would you define this?” I ask. More often than not, the first word that one or both say is “sex.” And yes, sex is intimacy. But let’s dig deeper. |
The Broad Spectrum of Intimacy
Various forms of sex, such as intercourse and oral, are most often associated with intimacy. For some, sometimes only intercourse. But intimacy is a spectrum of behaviors and emotions. From holding hands to kissing. From sitting next to each other on a couch watching a movie, to having fun under the covers.
After my clients become comfortable with the (sometimes new to them) definition of intimacy, I take the time to discuss their relationship history as it relates to intimacy. What was it like during the first year of the relationship? Five years in. 10 years in. For parents, after you had a child. And so on, taking us to the present. The usual and very common answer is: “At the beginning, we were closer and more active in our intimacy. It was a priority and it was fun. As the years went on, it started to fade.” Parents often say “it’s been almost lost once we had kids.” Sometimes clients view holding hands or snuggling as things young people do, not 45-year-olds. And when sex happens, it’s routine and emotionally uncomfortable. Sometimes there’s not mutual desire and instead, one person goes along with it to “get it over with.” The magic is not there and one or both may be questioning the status of the relationship.
Tips To Restore Intimacy
Reestablish Your “Other Selves” - When you’re alone, you’re an “individual self.” You have interests and activities that you enjoy. When you become a couple, sometimes some of your individual identity is lost as the couple identity takes over. For parents, selves one and two can be almost completely gone as you devote yourself entirely to parenting. Re-establishing your individual self can be anything from a book club, to poker night, to jamming like a rock star in your “garage band” with your friends. And it’s important for each person to be supportive of these activities, otherwise, it causes resentment. (But just as long as the time and financial commitment are reasonable. Going to the driving range once a week for a couple of hours is different than being away from your partner and playing 18 holes every Friday, Saturday and Sunday). You can also reestablish your “couple self” - have a date night, unplug and just talk. Hey parents! Get a sitter and get out. You won’t be a bad parent if you’re away from your 7-year old for a few hours.
Explore - Regarding sexual intimacy, ask yourself: What do I like? What don’t I like? What do I want? And most importantly – What do I need? You’ve been together for years. Maybe what you liked 10 years ago isn’t important to you now. Maybe what you didn’t want to do 10 years ago you’re eager and excited to try now.
Effort - Re-establishing intimacy is hard work. One of the most important things is effort. If each member of the couple doesn’t commit to the hard work ahead, or says there’s a commitment but doesn’t do the hard work, this process won’t work. It could even make matters worse. “What’s the point of us going to couples therapy if you don’t even care?”
Snuggle - Snuggling together is one of the most intimate things a couple can do. Sitting on the couch together watching a movie? Get really close and hold each other. Just had sex? Don’t jump right out of bed and get dressed. Hold each other and look into each others’ eyes for at least 15 minutes. That moment, right after sex, is a crucial opportunity to connect or reconnect.
In Summary
I hope this was helpful for you. Remember that restoring intimacy is possible. You have to work hard, be open and honest with each other, and have hope things will get better.
If you’re looking for couples therapy for improving intimacy or other mental health concerns in Wilmington Delaware, West Chester Pennsylvania or by teletherapy anywhere in Delaware, Pennsylvania, New York or Florida, please contact me today for a free consultation.
Take care and be well,
Rich Lombino, Esq., LCSW
Therapist & Lawyer
Various forms of sex, such as intercourse and oral, are most often associated with intimacy. For some, sometimes only intercourse. But intimacy is a spectrum of behaviors and emotions. From holding hands to kissing. From sitting next to each other on a couch watching a movie, to having fun under the covers.
After my clients become comfortable with the (sometimes new to them) definition of intimacy, I take the time to discuss their relationship history as it relates to intimacy. What was it like during the first year of the relationship? Five years in. 10 years in. For parents, after you had a child. And so on, taking us to the present. The usual and very common answer is: “At the beginning, we were closer and more active in our intimacy. It was a priority and it was fun. As the years went on, it started to fade.” Parents often say “it’s been almost lost once we had kids.” Sometimes clients view holding hands or snuggling as things young people do, not 45-year-olds. And when sex happens, it’s routine and emotionally uncomfortable. Sometimes there’s not mutual desire and instead, one person goes along with it to “get it over with.” The magic is not there and one or both may be questioning the status of the relationship.
Tips To Restore Intimacy
Reestablish Your “Other Selves” - When you’re alone, you’re an “individual self.” You have interests and activities that you enjoy. When you become a couple, sometimes some of your individual identity is lost as the couple identity takes over. For parents, selves one and two can be almost completely gone as you devote yourself entirely to parenting. Re-establishing your individual self can be anything from a book club, to poker night, to jamming like a rock star in your “garage band” with your friends. And it’s important for each person to be supportive of these activities, otherwise, it causes resentment. (But just as long as the time and financial commitment are reasonable. Going to the driving range once a week for a couple of hours is different than being away from your partner and playing 18 holes every Friday, Saturday and Sunday). You can also reestablish your “couple self” - have a date night, unplug and just talk. Hey parents! Get a sitter and get out. You won’t be a bad parent if you’re away from your 7-year old for a few hours.
Explore - Regarding sexual intimacy, ask yourself: What do I like? What don’t I like? What do I want? And most importantly – What do I need? You’ve been together for years. Maybe what you liked 10 years ago isn’t important to you now. Maybe what you didn’t want to do 10 years ago you’re eager and excited to try now.
Effort - Re-establishing intimacy is hard work. One of the most important things is effort. If each member of the couple doesn’t commit to the hard work ahead, or says there’s a commitment but doesn’t do the hard work, this process won’t work. It could even make matters worse. “What’s the point of us going to couples therapy if you don’t even care?”
Snuggle - Snuggling together is one of the most intimate things a couple can do. Sitting on the couch together watching a movie? Get really close and hold each other. Just had sex? Don’t jump right out of bed and get dressed. Hold each other and look into each others’ eyes for at least 15 minutes. That moment, right after sex, is a crucial opportunity to connect or reconnect.
In Summary
I hope this was helpful for you. Remember that restoring intimacy is possible. You have to work hard, be open and honest with each other, and have hope things will get better.
If you’re looking for couples therapy for improving intimacy or other mental health concerns in Wilmington Delaware, West Chester Pennsylvania or by teletherapy anywhere in Delaware, Pennsylvania, New York or Florida, please contact me today for a free consultation.
Take care and be well,
Rich Lombino, Esq., LCSW
Therapist & Lawyer
